I’ve been sending out CVs for a while now. It’s not that I don’t like my job, but there have been many issues over the past year that has made me think that it could be time to move on, and even into a new industry (currently I am at the less glamorous end of the publishing industry). I’ve half heartedly sent out dozens of different CVs to too many companies to remember.
This afternoon I got a call from one of them. I couldn’t even remember what job it was for, and the company name only sounded vaguely familiar. The things is, my heart hasn’t really been in this job hunt, because I’m terrified of actually talking another job. What if the change is too much for me to handle and the stress and instability of a new job in a new industry spins me out of control? What if I have to be hospitalised at some point and have to take extended sick leave? What if the new employer is not as nice as the current one about my psychiatrist appointments during work hours? How do I tell them that I have Bipolar Disorder? Do I tell them about it? What if I come in late and they don’t understand that sometimes it’s because of my medication? What if I end up depressed and crying in the bathroom every day like I did when I started my current job? Eish, terrified. And all these what ifs even before I’ve gone for the interview and met the people. I have been invited to interviews in the past that I turned down because of these fears.
Other fears include what if I get stuck in traffic and am late for the interview, what if I can’t find parking (parking is a gaint stressor in my life. I’d rather not go somewhere when I don’t know the parking situation). What if the interviewer is a bitch. What if I get the job? What if I DON’T get the job?
But then I have to remind myself that I have battled mental illness for half my life and I’m still standing. It might not feel like it, but somewhere inside me I have remarkable strength, resilience and, as the tattoo on my ankle reminds me, courage. I can go for the interview and I’ll survive it. If I get the job, I’ll make it work, like I always do. And through it all I will have Bipolar Disorder that I will deal with to the best of my abilities. One thing is for sure, I will not allow it to control the course of my future.
Update: The interview was really good. I don’t know if I’ll get the job, or even if I want it, but I feel proud of myself for overcoming all my fears and holding my own.
Bipolar: Flying too close to the sun 
Go to the interview and get more information about the new job. You have nothing to lose by just getting more information. Decisions are always best when made with all the relevant facts in mind.
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Yes you’re right I have nothing to lose. Feeling more confident about it today, so hopefully it goes well.
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Reading a little about you,by yourself, it is obvious that you are an above average individual to put it mildly. The fact that you have theorised possible responses and questions, attitudes without like you say knowing your prospective employers is proof enough of your having experience with prejudice and bias. Life is full of choices and sub-consciously or otherwise the road ahead has to be navigated with the best possible choices available. My psychiatrist and psychologist remind me that I feel that my life is a part of BPD and not that BPD is a part of my life.I feel that I am in between a hard place and a wall since I get no joy from most activities. Feel that my problem is more physiological and thus harder to overcome. The fact that you are thinking about choices that will be supposedly difficult should be an indication of the courage you possess that you can draw on.You go girl. Sure you’ll always find answers and alternatives deep within yourself.
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Thank you very much for your kind words. I am so glad I went for the interview because even if I don’t get the job, it showed me that I have nothing to be afraid of. Like you say, BPD is part of your life, no the other way around. That is something I have to remind myself of every day. Take care.
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What if the sky falls on your head?! Try talking yourself into the interview rather than out of it. It may turn out to be the perfect job for you but you will never know if you dont go. Nothing to loose everything to gain, please go. Good luck let us know how it works out 🙂
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It is horrible how our minds get in our way. Glad you won and went for that interview. Guess we will see how it goes. Good luck hope you get what you want.
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