I’ve been sending out CVs for a while now. It’s not that I don’t like my job, but there have been many issues over the past year that has made me think that it could be time to move on, and even into a new industry (currently I am at the less glamorous end of the publishing industry). I’ve half heartedly sent out dozens of different CVs to too many companies to remember.
This afternoon I got a call from one of them. I couldn’t even remember what job it was for, and the company name only sounded vaguely familiar. The things is, my heart hasn’t really been in this job hunt, because I’m terrified of actually talking another job. What if the change is too much for me to handle and the stress and instability of a new job in a new industry spins me out of control? What if I have to be hospitalised at some point and have to take extended sick leave? What if the new employer is not as nice as the current one about my psychiatrist appointments during work hours? How do I tell them that I have Bipolar Disorder? Do I tell them about it? What if I come in late and they don’t understand that sometimes it’s because of my medication? What if I end up depressed and crying in the bathroom every day like I did when I started my current job? Eish, terrified. And all these what ifs even before I’ve gone for the interview and met the people. I have been invited to interviews in the past that I turned down because of these fears.
Other fears include what if I get stuck in traffic and am late for the interview, what if I can’t find parking (parking is a gaint stressor in my life. I’d rather not go somewhere when I don’t know the parking situation). What if the interviewer is a bitch. What if I get the job? What if I DON’T get the job?
But then I have to remind myself that I have battled mental illness for half my life and I’m still standing. It might not feel like it, but somewhere inside me I have remarkable strength, resilience and, as the tattoo on my ankle reminds me, courage. I can go for the interview and I’ll survive it. If I get the job, I’ll make it work, like I always do. And through it all I will have Bipolar Disorder that I will deal with to the best of my abilities. One thing is for sure, I will not allow it to control the course of my future.
Update: The interview was really good. I don’t know if I’ll get the job, or even if I want it, but I feel proud of myself for overcoming all my fears and holding my own.