I try to really look at things objectively when I feel down-ish. It’s the end of the year, I am still dreaming of being on vacation, even if it’s just at home, and I am hating the work I’m currently doing. The deadlines are almost impossible, the pay is ridiculously low, the work feels kind of unethical and the woman I for is extremely temperamental and sometimes blames me for things I didn’t do wrong. But I have to do it because financially I’m a bit screwed.
It’s been a tough year; recovering from suicide attempt, quitting my job, moving back home, not really having a set job, deaths, family conflicts, moving, moving again, and moving again etc. In a nutshell. There have also been many marvellous moments, like my sister getting engaged and me getting to be part of the plans, seeing my friends on this side of the world often. Spending time with my grandparents. Getting a doggy. All magical. All special. Even though I really don’t like Christmas I look forward to the event of the whole family being together.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been feeling just a smidgen under then normal line. I’ve started taking urbanol on a more regular basis. I still try not to take it unless I really need to. Over the weekend, I just stayed in bed, not really doing anything and not really sleeping until 16:00. Twice! I am fine enough to go out and enjoy it but want to go home early. I’m okay enough to hang pictures and throw things out, but not to completely unpack. I’m fine enough to do all these stupid projects, but I’m procrastinating (which I don’t often do with work). I’m fine enough to look forward to the holidays, but the thought of interacting with people is pretty exhausting. I’m generally just really exhausted. And that I blame on all the end of year things. But I can feel it in my throat, I can feel it in my head and I can feel it below my diaphragm; the slight signs of depression. The trying to ignore it, but knowing it’s there.
Some of you must also feel like this sometimes? Like you’re just below the line of normal? And it terrifies you because staying there is crap, but you also don’t know if you are going to go back to that normal line, or just keep going down, down, down….