Today I had the pleasant experience of being broken up with. The relationship was still fairly new, but I was very much smitten. My spirit feels crushed. Two weeks ago I cut my father out of my life, and in August my grandfather, who was my father in many ways, passed away. All of this during the peak season in my industry where my workload has doubled and while navigating med changes. Is it any wonder that I have become a bit unhinged?
Often I don’t know what triggers my mood changes, and often it can be the smallest things, like a friend making a bad joke. Sometimes it is huge life events that just keep piling up. And what people don’t understand is that, when you have a mood disorder, your feelings are so much more intense than other people’s emotions. I was feeling very rattled and sad earlier, bawling my eyes out, and now I feel ridiculously calm. I have recently upped my geodon and lamotragine. I don’t know if my responses are within the ‘normal’ range. What I do know is that my coping mechanisms are not very healthy, and I also don’t want to change them. Because I am a sucker for the punishment. Lashing out and becoming self destructive is actually enjoyable to me. What is up with that masochism?
At the moment I crave just existing. I would go so far as to say that I wish I could just be hospitalised. But life can’t stop when you’re the only one taking care of yourself. What I do know is that I am one of the strongest people I know, by the grace of God alone. I often wonder what the straw that finally breaks this camel’s back will be.
The main reason I haven’t completely self-destructed is because I wanted to make this new relationship work. Now that’s gone. I’m standing in the edge now. I am tired of balancing. There is nothing at the bottom to break my fall.