I always try to keep this blog inspirational and informative. I also try to keep it real and authentic. Unfortunately due to the nature of the beast, it’s not always possible to be inspirational and authentic, because sometimes, if I authentically expose myself, I will be anything but inspiring. I don’t want to plant seeds in others with my own suicidal fantasies, darkness, obsessive thoughts, irritation and loss of will to even move. But how can I give a true insight into the illness if I leave those parts of my experience out?
I had a few crappy experiences this week. Nothing major or life impairing or anything, but stressful. And stress = trigger = depression/hypomania/dysphoria. I have been successfully avoiding stress for a while now and have therefore been mostly okay, but as today went by my depression has gotten increasingly worse. There’s a chance that I might sleep it off and be okay tomorrow, but there’s also a chance that it will get worse. I have no idea how I’m going to drag myself to work tomorrow. I’m trying to distract myself from the pain I’m feeling but not succeeding, and also indulging, which just makes me feel guilty. I have never attempted suicide and I’m fairly certain that I never will, but sometimes my mind can’t help toying with the idea.
Whether it’s a “24 hour bug” or something that’s going tp drag itself out, I don’t know. I can only hope for the former. Even in the best place of stability and tranquillity, something small can upset the balance and bring you back to square one. Such is bipolar.